


This is My Reaction to Everything I Fear

by I_stole_a_cannon



Series: Jedi's Guide to Love, Loss, and Desperation [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: what to do with a crying padawan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-08 03:43:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21469522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_stole_a_cannon/pseuds/I_stole_a_cannon
Summary: Cyrian wanted to be anywhere but on CourscantOR Anakin prevents a padawan from leaving the order
Series: Jedi's Guide to Love, Loss, and Desperation [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1328081
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	This is My Reaction to Everything I Fear

**Author's Note:**

> don't get used to me cranking these out like nobody's business, I'm on a hot streak right at the moment.

Cyrian Barenis was looking over her final preparations: She had her bag with at least a weeks rations, her saber, and her stash of credits that she had saved from her various missions and handouts from her joke panhandling. She was hoping that it was going to be enough to get passage off the planet. She still didn’t know where she’d go, just away. It was finally sinking in for her. That she was going to do this. She was going to leave the Order. Kladinestra had once told her that the temple’s security was designed for people to not get in, not for people to not get out. Still something was stirring in the mess of her head. She sat down on the basin of the garden plot. This was absurd, she had settled on this days ago, why was she suffering cold feet now? Cyrian shook her head,  _ just focus _ . Her braid fell into view and she gripped it in her hand. Right, she’d forgotten about that. It had to go if she was to survive being an average citizen of anywhere, she already had a way of stashing her saber out of sight, but still accessible. She ignited her green bladed lightsaber and went to chop it, but the idea of getting the blade that close to her face was making her uneasy, not to mention not being able to get a good angle on it. She stood up and turned away from the temple and once again tried to slice it. But now the fear of losing her finger came in. Dammit, why couldn’t her brain shut up long enough to do this stupid, simple task!

“Need a little help with that?” A voice behind her asked. Cyrian straightened up and stiffened, she wanted to pretend that she didn’t recognize that voice, like she hadn’t just been found. But she couldn’t, almost as much as she couldn’t deny the solace the voice somehow gave. One of the Clones she knew had once told her that when they were younger on Kamino, a planet where it constantly rained, he and a couple others had been allowed to stand out in the sun for the hour it was there. That’s what she felt like, as if she had been allowed to stand in the sun with the knowledge that it would soon disappear and abandon her again.

“Why should I accept yours?” She asked. The voice chuckled.

“Because you don’t want to lose a finger.” He said. Cyrian lowered her saber and disengaged it. “Where are you headed?” He asked. Cyrian looked over at her bag and then back out at the city.

“Anywhere but here.” She replied.

“I know that feeling,” he said. She listened as he cautiously took a step toward her. When she hadn’t acted hostile towards his advance, he closed the distance and stood at her side. Anakin Skywalker, he looked about as good as Verilya had described him to be. “C’mon, let’s sit.” He said as he gestured to the ledge she had been sitting on. Cyrian gave him some space as she sat on the grass across from him. Anakin, who originally was going to sit on the ledge, eased himself so he was sitting on the grass as well. Cyrian didn’t know where this was going and she was a tad bit suspicious. 

“You’re not going to stop me?” She asked.

“Not yet, you haven’t done anything.” He replied. Cyrian wanted to glare, but couldn’t. “So, how about Naboo?” He proposed. Cyrian almost laughed, of course he would propose Naboo. She was really hoping that this led some creedence to her putting 15 credits on “Definitely bone on the regular”. Instead she shook her head.

“Too close to politics. It’d only be a matter of time before I got pulled back into the fighting. And that’s the last thing I want.” She replied. Anakin gave a nod and thought it over some more. “Tatooine?” She proposed. Anakin laughed and it almost gave her peace. The storm that was violent and angry in her head, and anytime she tried to poke the Force, broke a little when he did. 

“I wouldn’t subject my enemies to Tatooine.” He replied.

“Might stop Grievous though, all the sand in his joints.” Cyrian proposed. Anakin gave a small nod, with a smirk that seemed to insinuate he was thinking about it more than he let on. “I hear Florum’s nice this time of year.”

“If you like pirates,” Anakin said without missing a beat, “you don’t like pirates, do you?” He added.

“No, but I have a friend who does.” She said. 

“You’re friends with a pirate?”

“No, I was friends with a padawan. She got seperated and left for dead. So she remembered that Hondo had an offer. So she went and took it.” Cyrian said. The storm in her head returned, reminding her why she was leaving. Anakin stayed silent for a moment. 

“Were you supposed to leave with them?” He asked. Cyrian shook her head and looked down.

“I’m just tired of fighting and losing people.” She whispered. “I’m tired of the Council and its failures.” She muttered a bit louder. The violence in her head got worse and she felt something well up in her eyes. They were tears of course, but Cyrian hardly wanted to admit that to herself.  _ There is no emotion, there is peace. _

“Hey,” Anakin said. He put his hand, the real one, into view. “I know how you feel,” he said.

“How!” She exclaimed. She looked at him with the fire time had tried to snuff out of her. “You’re the  _ chosen one! _ You have a system of friends! All of mine are gone!” She yelled and the tears came out. She hadn’t remembered the last time she cried, she must’ve been a baby. They poured out of her and she couldn’t muster the strength to hold herself together. Anakin’s hand was still in view, so she laid one of hers in it. He squeezed it once, just to let her know he was still there. Though, he wasn’t certain as to what type of comfort he should be offering.

“Do you want a hug?” He offered. Cyrian blinked once through her tears in mild confusion, but then didn’t hesitate to cling onto his robes. A sob wracked her body and a hand was placed on her back.

“ _ They’re gone,” _ she muttered to herself. This war was causing her to lose too many friends. The clone who had told her the stories of Kamino was dead, her friend was on Florum amongst pirates, and so there was no one left with her. She couldn’t stop the tears, despite her proximity to a sun. The storm seemed to clear though, dropping from a violent thunderstorm, to a spring drizzle.

“I know it’s hard losing people. But being out there alone isn’t the solution. There are people to come back to here.” Anakin said. His voice was barely above a whisper. 

"Really?" She asked.

"Really," He said. "I know it's hard to imagine now, but one day, you'll have your friends again. Even if they weren't the ones you expected to have or originally had. You'll have them." He added. Cyrian pulled herself together and went back to her spot across from him, wiping her eyes and trying to look presentable again. “C’mon, let’s get some sugar in you.”

“How will that help?” Cyrian asked. Anakin stood up and offered his hand. She accepted it and he pulled her standing.

“Because it always makes me feel better, I think the cantine still has some cookies left.” He said. Cyrian furrowed her brow a bit, Anakin got to this? She supposed it was only natural. She shook her head and let out a slight chuckle as she grabbed her bag and adjusted it.

“I’ve never been one to say no to cookies.” The duo walked side by side back into the temple, back to the life it seemed the Force made her want to leave. But something kept her here. She was starting to feel the sun again even in the dead of night. 

The storm had passed and it was time to start growing again.

  
  



End file.
